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Welcome.
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Hello. You landed at kaitlinkloss.blogspot.com and you probably know that already. kaitlin nicole, she flies with her own wings
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Strength
Sunday, September 12, 2010 @ 11:36 PM
Today I had a complete enmotional breakdown, well it was really late last night or early this morning whichever way you'd like to look at it. So todays blog relates directly to the title, and I guess what happens when someone is pushed to their very limits. The direct definition, not that you care, Strength [strengkth, strength, strenth] -noun 1. The quality or or state of being strong; bodily or muscular power; vigor. This definition doesn't quite match what is going on with me, I do not have muscles nor is my body built to withstand major forces but I've come to learn that on the inside I'm built like steal. Or so I make everyone believe. On the outside everyone sees me, all smiles, putting on a brave face for my baby sisters who, like me have been thrown into this crazy unknown. Everyone sees a girl pushing forward, you might not even know that anything was wrong. I've put up a wall. I've blocked out feeling, made myself numb. Unable to allow myself to feel any sort of emotion that could tear down that wall that I have built up. Behind that wall though, is a very broken girl. A girl that will cry at anything. A street sign can bring up memories that bring on such strong emotions. A song can turn my day around. Simple conversations knot my stomach. I am broken. It has been 3 weeks and this wall is cracking, it's been cracking for so long that this wall is coming down, crumbling. The tears that have been held in for so long can't stop falling. I cannot sleep, but I do not want to leave my bed. I am starving but do not want to eat. Everything aches, especially my heart. It breaks over and over just seeing my surroundings. This is not what I want, this is not who I am. I do not want to cry, I am sick of crying, but I can't stop it. Can't hold it in anymore. I don't want a new school and I don't want to make new friends. I want my school, and my friends, and my house, and my boyfriend, and my job and my life. This isn't it. This will never be home. I've lost my strength, if I even had it to begin with. I'm not muscular, my body not built for force. And my insides are weaker than I have ever known them to be. I am weak. I've worn a mask and fooled everyone including myself, but I can't pretend like I am okay anymore. I am going crazy. I cannot stay here. I'm sick and I am broken and I need my home. |